As I have made my first week through being this so called “professional golfer” I noted some things. Some things that I do very, very, very poorly. One of them is not playing golf, although, sadly I also did that very, very, very poorly. The summary of the last tournament is sure to follow this, once I can think about it without vomiting. Back to the subject. When thinking about these things I do poorly I was either doing them or laying in bed thinking about doing them. As a golfer I’m an independent contractor. I work for myself. We set up LLC’s in our names. There for I could theoretically have people on that payroll. Here are the jobs I’m hiring for.
Caddie- This one should come as no surprise. Quite frankly I don’t want to carry my own bag or clean my clubs shot after shot. I don’t need to think about raking one of the many sand traps I was in, to perfection. I need a person to talk to. It gets quiet on the golf course. Quiet just makes you think too much, and when you think too much bad thoughts creep in to your head. I need someone to know when to talk and when not to talk. The right time to say a joke and the wrong time to say anything at all. Also someone that I can ask general advice to, even if its just my question of “7 iron?” to which the caddie would only have to say, “Yes”.
Salary: Friendship(bonus for a top 10 finish)
Laundry- I need someone to do my laundry. There are only so many times that I can call Oakley and tell them that I washed my clothes with a blue pen. Half of the new clothes they gave me have blue ink on them. This doesn’t stop me from wearing them though, it can make for a great conversation piece on the course. “You have blue on your shirt”, “Funny story about that…”. I also cringe at the thought of folding clothes and I lose hangers all the time. I have too many clothes, if some disappear thats fine, just put them in a safe place so when I ask for them you can bring ‘em out, bring ‘em out.
Experience: I don’t know about this, I have been doing laundry a long time and I still seem to screw it up.
Salary: A hug
Packer- I’m not a bad packer by any means, however, since being told by one of my friends that her friend went on vacation and forgot pants I have been a tad freaked out because this is something I would do. When packing for the last tournament, I picked out my shirts , pants, shorts, work out clothes and clothes to wear around. What I didn’t seem to worry about were my golf clubs that I could’ve easily left at home if I didn’t leave them in the trunk. I also forgot toothpaste but you can easily buy that and I will try to write it off as a business expense on my taxes. More importantly then packing everything for the trip down is making sure I have everything for the trip back. I left my face wash and suntan lotion in the hotel room.
Experience: Organizational experience required(must have references)
Salary: High 5
Driver- Now I love to drive. Having said that I would much rather get a nap in on the way down or on the way home. I also know that its only a matter of time before I get another ticket.
Salary: my car for a couple days
Ambien- I need someone to knock me out cold at night and make sure I stay asleep. I sleep for 2 hours then its a cat and mouse game of sleeping and waking up every 10 minutes. I realize that this one is not really realistic but no one said this was going to be realistic. My sleep at tournaments is awful. I’m tired but I’m also jacked up on adrenaline and nerves that I don’t sleep very well. And like everyone else, I really don’t get in that deep sleep till about 5 minutes before my alarm goes off.
Experience: No idea what you would have done to get it.
Salary: Is getting to watch me sleep not enough?
I’m sure that at some point I will think of more jobs others can do for me. Its not enough that I don’t really have a job but now I’m trying to pawn off little responsibility I have on others. Luckily the only job anyone will want is the caddie job. Send in your resume’s.