Just kidding

I want to tell people what you said to me that night in your hospital room but, I figure you waited for everyone else to leave for a reason. That was one of the few times I wanted to cry through all of this and it was the only time I can remember wanting to break down. It was something we were both thinking and feeling but, neither of us wanted to say then, you said it. I couldn’t respond, I was stuck in what I was feeling because I had never heard you speak like that before. If I was the one in that hospital bed instead of you, I would’ve said the same thing.

I wish I knew how to respond to what you said, instead I sat, quiet, my eyes welling up, wanting to break the silence so I didn’t break down. I didn’t want you to know I was feeling the same way. I wanted you to think everything was ok in my mind but, I was stupid for that, you knew, you always knew. You were one of the few people who could read me no matter what my face was implying. We sat there alone but together for five minutes. It’s weird how five minutes can feel like five hours or five years. We were silent for most of those five minutes until you broke the silence. “Just kidding” you said. For once I didn’t laugh I just said “I know”.

I might tell people one day but for now I think it’s best if it stays between us. Something that I can call ours for now. I feel like I’ve had to share you with many people recently that I’m glad I can call this my own part of you. These were not the last words that you spoke to me but these were the words that struck me the most because I knew, I knew you weren’t kidding. I knew for once in our lives we weren’t trying to joke. For once it wasn’t about the laughter. It was about the truth.

I don’t want to keep writing these and frankly I hate that I can’t write anything but this. This is the only thing that isn’t forced when I sit down to work, I look around and my fingers go wild on the keyboard and, before I know it I have another sad group of words that even I don’t want to read. I’m not sad, I’m not happy, I’m just content, I’m really just here. This is not a choice of mine this is just how I am right now. This seems to be all I have at the moment. It will have to do.

I wonder what life would be like if none of this happened 3 years ago. Just kidding. I know you know that’s not true.

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